OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
