EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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