was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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