Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
