I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
