piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
