If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
