Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
