I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
