The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
