Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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