She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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