so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
