I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
