I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
