According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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