Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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