Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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