i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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