At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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