everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You are the jesus of drinking
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
