It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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