Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
