Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
