im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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