My girlfriend figured out who you are.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
