It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
