Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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