the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
