I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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