Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dignity is for republicans.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
