it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
