I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
