Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I forget how to act sober
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