she looked like the before picture.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
