I will die if light touches me.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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