When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
