i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
