I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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