last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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