I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
