Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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