I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
When are your genitals available?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
