We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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