Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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