Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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