im six kinds of drunk right now
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
