i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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