You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
