I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
