just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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